I can see the sky begin to brighten through my closed curtains. My eyes are aching; I haven't been able to sleep. The anxious thoughts are coming too fast to let me relax. I've been watching my life falling apart around me. I've tried everything I could, I've cried, I've prayed. I'm out of options, of tears, and of hope.
Is death my only way out? Would that even help?
No!
I jerk to sit up, turn on a lamp. I can't lie there feeling sorry for myself any longer. But at six in the morning, when I haven't slept, what could I do?
I pace. I sit against the wall. Pace some more. Turn the light out again, having resigned myself to going back to bed, then I peek out the window once before I go lie down. There are a few stars left in the brightening sky. But one... What's it doing, so strong in the morning sky? Brighter than I'd expect from a planet, but flickering away like a star.
I can't look away, so, I focus on it, afraid I'll miss something if I don't. I know there's nothing to miss, so I decide to just watch as the sun comes up, see it disappear.
I think of all the things it could be. One of the brightest stars in the sky? No, even they couldn't be this bright. A new star, or a dying one. A parked spaceship with it's lights left on.
None of my theories are anything but crazy, but I know the star is important. Maybe not cosmically - Maybe just to me. Is this my sign?
I think over what's been happening lately. I think of how I'd prayed, until all my energy was gone, two days before. Hadn't I been facing in this direction?
Slowly, it fades. It's the only star left. Birds are flying through the sky, but I focus on my star.
Even as I can hardly see it, as it fades in and out of sight, as my legs and eyes ache, I still can't look away.
It isn't until I can't catch even a glimpse, and clouds start to move into the space that I pull myself away to sink back in bed.
I still don't fall asleep quickly, but the frustration is gone. I know sleep will come.
I know things will change.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Turf War
The rabbit crouched in the grasses, watching the wolf intently. The wolf lay at the edge of the woods, separate from the rest of his pack. The rabbit took two hesitant steps forward; This was too important to risk even the smallest hop. He raised himself to his hind legs and looked around anxiously, ensuring that the wolf really was alone. He raised his small paws, gripping his sword tightly between them. After a moment to brace himself, he crouched down to take one daring leap. Landing upon the wolf's thick back, he put all his weight into thrusting the sword down through the it's neck.
As the wolf wailed in pain, the rabbit threw himself back into the tall grasses and disappeared, leaving only a small ball of feathers woven to look like a rabbit's tail. It had been a dangerous mission, but the pack had to know.
This was rabbit territory.
As the wolf wailed in pain, the rabbit threw himself back into the tall grasses and disappeared, leaving only a small ball of feathers woven to look like a rabbit's tail. It had been a dangerous mission, but the pack had to know.
This was rabbit territory.
xXx
Short and sweet, figured it'd be a nice balance to the more intense story I posted first. Together, they give a range for what to expect from me in the future.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Spider
There's a giant spider that lives under my bed. She protects me from monsters. All except for one. She can't protect me from the monster in the brown glass bottles. It's poisonous, it would kill her, and then she wouldn't be able to protect me from any of the other monsters either.
The monster in the brown glass bottles takes over Daddy. Not always, just sometimes.
Sometimes he only opens a few, and it doesn't get him. But when he opens a lot, sometimes he comes in my room. I can tell it's the monster because it smells different from my Daddy.
Sometimes it yells at me, and makes me cry. Sometimes it even hits me. But it's better than the other thing it does. When it does the other thing, it tells me not to cry, even though I want to. It's even worse, and if it does the other thing, Daddy won't play with me for a while. He won't even look at me while I'm looking at him, but sometimes I see he's watching me. I think he's mad at me. He's mad at me for letting the monster do that to me.
But he doesn't understand. I can't stop it, and if I try, it's worse.
The monster comes more when Daddy stops going to work. Daddy opens so many of the brown bottles. Why doesn't he realize that's where the monster comes from? Sometimes, when it comes and it's not nighttime, I can hide. If it finds me, it's worse, but I can't help trying to hide anyway.
I ask Mommy why she doesn't get rid of the brown glass bottles. She says that if she does, the monster will come back on its own, and it will be angrier. I don't want that, and she doesn't either. I hear the monster yelling at her too, sometimes. Sometimes, the next day, when it's gone, I find her crying. I only cry when it's there, so it must be even worse to her. I wonder if it does the other thing to her, too, but I don't want to ask.
Tonight, the monster is yelling at her, but it's different, because this time, she yells back. I hear it coming in the hallway and I get really scared. I hide under my bed, with the spider, even though I know I shouldn't. It finds me, and it yells and hits me. Then, it decides to do the other thing.
It's never both happened in one night, so when it says to be quiet, I can't obey. I try, but I can't stop crying. It yells to shut up, and it hits me again, but I cry harder. When it hits me again, my night-light fades into the rest of the dark room.
When I wake up, everything is different. Everything is white, and very bright. I'm in a bed, but it's not mine. There are people everywhere. None of the women who wear white are my Mommy, and none of the men who wear blue are my Daddy. There's a TV, which they let me watch a lot.
My Mommy never lets me watch much TV, but I do anyway here. They sometimes take me to a room with lots of toys, crayons, and computers, with a lot of other kids in it. The bigger kids always stay by the computers. But they're all sick. My Daddy never lets me play with kids that are sick, because I'll catch something, so I don't play with them.
They make me eat gross food, but there's always dessert, and it's always really yummy. Pie and ice cream and pudding, things that Mommy never let me eat often. I could always get Daddy to give me some, though.
It's not bad here, but I want to go home. I keep asking when I go home. It takes forever, but they start to tell me I can leave soon. I want to see Mommy, and I want to tell Daddy I'm sorry for letting the monster do that to me.
But the day they tell me I can leave, it's not my Mommy and Daddy who come to get me. It's my Mommy's sister. She tells me that I can't see my Daddy for a while, but Mommy will come see me soon. My Aunt takes me to her house instead of mine.
Mommy never told me she lived with the other woman there. I don't know why. She must have given me her bed, because I get my own, and there's only two. I ask my Aunt about it, and she laughs. The woman is nice, but I'm shy around her.
When my Mommy comes, there's a man with her. He's wearing a suit and a name tag. He says I'm going to stay with my Aunt and the woman for a while. Mommy tells me the other woman is my Aunt too. I ask her if she's Daddy's sister, because I know Mommy only has one sister, but Mommy says it isn't like that. Nobody tells me what it is like, though.
There's no brown glass bottles here.
But there's no giant spider under the bed, either.
The monster in the brown glass bottles takes over Daddy. Not always, just sometimes.
Sometimes he only opens a few, and it doesn't get him. But when he opens a lot, sometimes he comes in my room. I can tell it's the monster because it smells different from my Daddy.
Sometimes it yells at me, and makes me cry. Sometimes it even hits me. But it's better than the other thing it does. When it does the other thing, it tells me not to cry, even though I want to. It's even worse, and if it does the other thing, Daddy won't play with me for a while. He won't even look at me while I'm looking at him, but sometimes I see he's watching me. I think he's mad at me. He's mad at me for letting the monster do that to me.
But he doesn't understand. I can't stop it, and if I try, it's worse.
The monster comes more when Daddy stops going to work. Daddy opens so many of the brown bottles. Why doesn't he realize that's where the monster comes from? Sometimes, when it comes and it's not nighttime, I can hide. If it finds me, it's worse, but I can't help trying to hide anyway.
I ask Mommy why she doesn't get rid of the brown glass bottles. She says that if she does, the monster will come back on its own, and it will be angrier. I don't want that, and she doesn't either. I hear the monster yelling at her too, sometimes. Sometimes, the next day, when it's gone, I find her crying. I only cry when it's there, so it must be even worse to her. I wonder if it does the other thing to her, too, but I don't want to ask.
Tonight, the monster is yelling at her, but it's different, because this time, she yells back. I hear it coming in the hallway and I get really scared. I hide under my bed, with the spider, even though I know I shouldn't. It finds me, and it yells and hits me. Then, it decides to do the other thing.
It's never both happened in one night, so when it says to be quiet, I can't obey. I try, but I can't stop crying. It yells to shut up, and it hits me again, but I cry harder. When it hits me again, my night-light fades into the rest of the dark room.
When I wake up, everything is different. Everything is white, and very bright. I'm in a bed, but it's not mine. There are people everywhere. None of the women who wear white are my Mommy, and none of the men who wear blue are my Daddy. There's a TV, which they let me watch a lot.
My Mommy never lets me watch much TV, but I do anyway here. They sometimes take me to a room with lots of toys, crayons, and computers, with a lot of other kids in it. The bigger kids always stay by the computers. But they're all sick. My Daddy never lets me play with kids that are sick, because I'll catch something, so I don't play with them.
They make me eat gross food, but there's always dessert, and it's always really yummy. Pie and ice cream and pudding, things that Mommy never let me eat often. I could always get Daddy to give me some, though.
It's not bad here, but I want to go home. I keep asking when I go home. It takes forever, but they start to tell me I can leave soon. I want to see Mommy, and I want to tell Daddy I'm sorry for letting the monster do that to me.
But the day they tell me I can leave, it's not my Mommy and Daddy who come to get me. It's my Mommy's sister. She tells me that I can't see my Daddy for a while, but Mommy will come see me soon. My Aunt takes me to her house instead of mine.
Mommy never told me she lived with the other woman there. I don't know why. She must have given me her bed, because I get my own, and there's only two. I ask my Aunt about it, and she laughs. The woman is nice, but I'm shy around her.
When my Mommy comes, there's a man with her. He's wearing a suit and a name tag. He says I'm going to stay with my Aunt and the woman for a while. Mommy tells me the other woman is my Aunt too. I ask her if she's Daddy's sister, because I know Mommy only has one sister, but Mommy says it isn't like that. Nobody tells me what it is like, though.
There's no brown glass bottles here.
But there's no giant spider under the bed, either.
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