Insomnia

I can see the sky begin to brighten through my closed curtains. My eyes are aching; I haven't been able to sleep. The anxious thoughts are coming too fast to let me relax. I've been watching my life falling apart around me. I've tried everything I could, I've cried, I've prayed. I'm out of options, of tears, and of hope.

Is death my only way out? Would that even help?

No!

I jerk to sit up, turn on a lamp. I can't lie there feeling sorry for myself any longer. But at six in the morning, when I haven't slept, what could I do?

I pace. I sit against the wall. Pace some more. Turn the light out again, having resigned myself to going back to bed, then I peek out the window once before I go lie down. There are a few stars left in the brightening sky. But one... What's it doing, so strong in the morning sky? Brighter than I'd expect from a planet, but flickering away like a star.

I can't look away, so, I focus on it, afraid I'll miss something if I don't. I know there's nothing to miss, so I decide to just watch as the sun comes up, see it disappear.

I think of all the things it could be. One of the brightest stars in the sky? No, even they couldn't be this bright. A new star, or a dying one. A parked spaceship with it's lights left on.

None of my theories are anything but crazy, but I know the star is important. Maybe not cosmically - Maybe just to me. Is this my sign?

I think over what's been happening lately. I think of how I'd prayed, until all my energy was gone, two days before. Hadn't I been facing in this direction?

Slowly, it fades. It's the only star left. Birds are flying through the sky, but I focus on my star.

Even as I can hardly see it, as it fades in and out of sight, as my legs and eyes ache, I still can't look away.

It isn't until I can't catch even a glimpse, and clouds start to move into the space that I pull myself away to sink back in bed.

I still don't fall asleep quickly, but the frustration is gone. I know sleep will come.

I know things will change.